Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

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The Chosen Phew

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

ㅤ

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I can also cook 😂

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch