My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth