My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.