My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
New tinder profile pic
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.