My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The glory of fall.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.