my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
No regrets in 2018
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.