my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“OMGJK” -atheists
A Short Story.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
In Canada they just call them geese
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.