my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
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Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Based Erika
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
it be like that
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?