my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
inventing words: clothing
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Said the murderer.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Twitter remains undefeated
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now