Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Salad is the decaf of food.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

WHY?!

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal