Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

A new level of troll.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.