My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Love thy neighbor’s dog