My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”