My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Pro tip for my good boys out there
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*