my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.