my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
You Might Also Like
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Traveler’s camo
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
This seems like peak sibling energy
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day