Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring