my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent