my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
i baked you a cake
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.