my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.