my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved