my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
trivia
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
☠️ ☠️
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.