My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You Might Also Like
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The pen is writier than the sword.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.