Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Print is alive and well!!!

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”