My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
yeah no that’s fair
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.