Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.