My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.