I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*mops up wine with cat*
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not