My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If only.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.