My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Pro tip for my good boys out there
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
