My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
