My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
