My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
LA today:
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
