Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

you’re so productive for your wage

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No