My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Give a baker flours on your first date.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Cow it started Cow it’s going
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.