My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
me: my friends:
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Challenge accepted.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.