Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Me buying fruit and veg

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

The fall of Netflix

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist