My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.