Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks