My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?