My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Ovenable?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.