My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.