Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote