My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
So, can we agree on 4 or
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?