My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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sure, why not
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
🍛
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?