My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Danger is very dangerous
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*offers Batman cough drops*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
