My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.