Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.