My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?