Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

No, I don’t think I will.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

6: are snakes just neck?

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.