my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.