my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.