My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
You Might Also Like
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]