Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

*looks at you in batman voice*

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

tag yourself

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.