My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything