My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.