My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.