My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me linking you to my twitter
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”