My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Ok but actually
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
airing out the snack pack
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
