My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
You Might Also Like
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.