My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math