My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
