My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
2023 was just a warmup
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.