My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Oh yeah that’s it
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
damn he’s good
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.