Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Feel. He’s so soft.