My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.