My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother