Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm