My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
You Might Also Like
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
