My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
A woman drives into a bar.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years