My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
O Wise One….
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.