My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Truly one of the great bangers
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
You were the one.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you