My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes