Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Always the vampires

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”