My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.